Therapist Offers Couples a Menu of Physical Pleasures. By Mark Wolf Rocky Mountain News Staff writer.

If your sex life had a menu, would the main course be Velveeta on white bread or a spicy etouffee? Would it be slow-roasted or flame broiled? Would you work your way through a careful buildup of appetizers or go straight to the entree?

"Too many couples have the same brand of microwave dinner over and over, popped into the oven at 11 o'clock at night, and then wonder why it's not satisfying" said Susan Hubbard, a Boulder psychotherapist since 1972 who specializes in relationship and sexual counseling. "It's the last thing of the day, the last thing on their mind. That's not the way they would have behaved as lovers or courting people."

Hubbard has devised relationship seminars called Spicing up Your Sex Life: A Tasteful Guide for Ordinary People, employing images from the kitchen to help add zest to the bedroom. Men and women at the seminars, which she has held for about a year, fill out "menus" covering a variety of romantic and sexual preferences and practices. Partners can categorize lovemaking activities into a "Sexual Options Menu."

Appetizers: "They are all kinds of positive interactions that put people in the mood to relate sexually," she said. "Women generally prefer more appetizers than men do. Men can usually leap to the entree and be very satisfied."

Soup and Salad: "It's what's commonly referred to as foreplay and there are lots of choices in that department. If food is new and unfamiliar, you have to try it a few times to see if you like it. The same is true of sexual activity."

Entrees: "Generally it is the activity that can lead to orgasm on the part of both people. It might be that one partner isn't hungry for an entree on one day. They might just want an appetizer and dessert. In a restaurant they wouldn't fight about that, but in the bedroom they will. It's OK for one partner to be more orgasmic than the other but sometimes considerate people will feel like they're not doing a good enough job. This puts pressure on both people."

Dessert: "Some people feel a good meal isn't complete without something sweet at the end, while others have had quite enough. It can be body stroking, holding each other, talking, taking a nap. Some people might want this on some occasions and not on others."

Among the exercises at the seminars is "Walk a Mile in Somebody Else's Underwear," in which men and women imagine they are their partner. "You write down your perception of the sexuality in the relationship from your partner's point of view. It has to be done soulfully and edited for sarcasm. It's things like frequency, satisfaction, who initiates, a thorough examination of how things are with no judgement," Hubbard said.

Just as in a restaurant, carefully perusing the menu of opportunities can accommodate lots of taste buds. "The menu can be limited and still be very satisfying for two people", Hubbard said. "If all you both want is hamburger and ice cream, more power to you. This isn't about gymnastics and fireworks exploding; it's about real-life people trying to come up with compromises and solutions that work long term for both people."

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