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Therapist uses culinary terms to help couples with love life. |
| Spicing Up Sex |
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What makes your approach unique?
"I think it's difficult for people to
acknowledge that there's any need to talk
about sexuality, because our culture
deals with it so strangely," Hubbard said.
"I use what I call the two P's
to describe our cultures general attitude
toward sexuality: prurient and prudish. One great
thing about the
food metaphor approach that I've developed
is how very down-home, simple, clear and engaging
it is," Hubbard said.
"People don't have to feel like there's something
wrong with them. Generally, nothing is really wrong;
the problems
are more like glitches that have developed between
two people during the course of living." How did your idea for using metaphoric, culinary language develop? "When people start assuming things about each other, they stop paying close attention," Hubbard said. "Let's say you want to make cinnamon sugar cookies, and you just assume you have cinnamon," she said. "Until you go look in the cabinet, you don't know if anyone bought some or if there's enough." "People make similar assumptions about their sex lives. It's common to listen to a couple and notice that they're not telling the same story at all. Two people may have shared the same bed, sleeping side by side for years, but one person may say they have sex once a month while the other person says, 'Are you crazy? It's about every 10 days!" "That's how I got the idea for the workshop's first exercise, Taking Stock. This exercise isn't aimed at proving who's right, and who's wrong; the goal is just to get a sense of what's true. People often don't even know what's true." How do you address misunderstandings that males and females often experience? "The second part of the workshop is called Sweet and Savory, two complimentary but distinctly different flavors," Hubbard said. "This section reviews the differences between men and women, and how our bodies really dictate some of these differences." "We all understand these things intellectually, but I think that there's an emotional level where this understanding is not integrated at all. I sat with a women who asked her husband why he couldn't open other channels to let in love, like the way they talk with each other. Well, the guy did have open channels, but he also has a penis, and it reminds him that he wants to be close to his wife in a sexual way. Essentially, she was asking him why he couldn't be more like a woman." "And I recently sat with a man who said to his wife that he really wants her to have the same experience that he has. I had to remind him that she's not a guy! Her body doesn't act like a guy's!" What's the goal of the Sexual Options Menu? "People in new relationships automatically use courtship behavior," Hubbard said. "They give sex a priority that they don't give it later. And I think that's one of the ways relationships get into big trouble." "The food and cooking metaphor is perfect here. A person can't expect to have an interesting and nourishing culinary life if the only energy that they put into it is buying a stack of microwave dinners, probably all chicken and the same brand. Every night around 11 o'clock, they pop it in the microwave, they don't even use a plate, and they eat it in the dark without any silverware. How can they expect to have an interesting culinary life? It's not even nourishing." "The purpose of the menu metaphor is to help couples give attention to their sexual needs and desires again by revealing and acknowledging both partners' personal appetite and taste." Previous P.R.
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